Vinh Giang

I used to struggle with small talk. I’d meet someone new, start chatting, and then… silence. An awkward, heavy silence. The conversation would die and I’d walk away feeling like I failed some invisible social test.

If you’ve ever felt unsure what to say next or afraid you might say the wrong thing, don’t worry you’re not alone. This is one of the most common questions I get asked.

Let’s break it down together, because small talk doesn’t have to feel forced or fake. In fact, it can be one of the best ways to build a real connection with someone. You simply just need a new mindset and a few tools in your pocket.

Reframe What Small Talk Is

Most people think they need to sound clever or interesting when meeting someone new (this used to be me too).

But here’s the truth: the best way to connect with someone isn’t by trying to impress them, it’s by showing that you’re interested in them.

That shift changes everything. When you focus on being curious instead of clever, small talk becomes easier and far more enjoyable.

Ask Better Questions

If you want to get better at small talk, stop relying on “How’s your day going?”. It’s fine to start with that, but you’ve got to be ready to follow up with something more open and engaging (or be prepared to endure the awkward silence if they simple respond with “good“.)

One of my personal go-to lines is: “What’s the most exciting thing you’ve got planned for today?”

It’s not weird, it’s intentional. It opens the door for someone to share something real. 

When you have a few good questions ready, you find you won’t freeze up but rather be able to guide the conversation.

Go Deeper (When It Feels Right)

Once some connection is made, you can explore deeper questions. These aren’t for the elevator, but they work beautifully in friendly, casual settings.

One I love asking is: “If you had to name the most important lesson you’ve learned in the last 12 months, what would it be?”

This kind of question creates space for honesty. It also helps you stand out from the typical small talk cycle that most people get stuck in.

Give Yourself Permission to Be Weird

Not everyone will love your questions and that’s okay!

Some people might think you’re a little quirky for being curious. That used to hold me back. But I realised – I’m probably not going to see this person again, so why not practice?

When you stop fearing awkwardness and start treating conversations as experiments, you get better. fast.

Remember, you don’t need to be perfect, you just need to show up with curiosity and the courage to keep going.

Key Takeaway

People love talking about themselves, so mastering small talk can be as simple as having a few good questions up your sleeve, showing genuine interest and not being afraid of their judgement.

Picture this.

You’re at a networking function trying to connect with someone new,  but instead of a smooth conversation, you find yourselves talking at each other, not with each other. It feels disconnected, awkward and almost like trying to have a conversation over Zoom with a terribly slow internet connection.  

If you’ve been there yourself, I want to share something that can completely transform how you communicate when meeting new people. 

It’s a simple framework I teach in all my workshops called ‘Match, Mirror, and Lead’ (MML) which, if used correctly, will help you to build rapport without absolutely anyone. Fast. 🚀

The Misconception That Holds People Back

A lot of people think, “To be a great communicator, I just need to be myself. One version of me. All the time.”

But communication doesn’t work like that.

Imagine bringing a megaphone 📢 to a whispering competition. It doesn’t matter how good your message is, it simply won’t land. Great communication is about adapting to the moment without losing your authenticity.

You’re not being fake. You’re being flexible.

Step 1: Match and Mirror

Let me give you an example.

At my live events, I often meet students who are quite introverted. If someone comes up to me and says softly, “Hi Vinh, I just wanted to say thank you,” I don’t respond with over-the-top enthusiasm and a booming voice. 

If I did, they’d probably freak out and call the police.

Instead, I match and mirror their vocal foundations, their body language and their tone. I lower my voice, slow my rhythm and what happens is incredible. They relax. They feel safe. They feel seen.

That’s rapport.

It’s about meeting people on their communication style level so they don’t feel overwhelmed or out of sync with you.

Step 2: Lead Gently

Now here’s the magic part…

Once you’ve matched someone’s energy, you can start to lead rather than force the conversation where you want it to go.

For example, if someone speaks at a 4 out of 10 energy level, you should also start at 4. Then slowly move to a 5, maybe a 6. That gentle increase helps them come along with you, without resistance. 

This is the real skill in building rapport – learning how to read what level someone is at, then adjusting your communication style to match. From there you can slowly lead them in the direction you want the conversation to go.

Bonus Framework: Identifying What People Actually Want From You

When someone is talking to you, they’re usually looking for one of four things:

1. Information: These conversations are direct and to the point. Match that with clear, factual responses.
   
2. Connection: Here, you’ll hear more emotion in their tone. They’re not just asking a question, they’re seeking warmth. Match that emotional energy.
   
3. Peace and harmony: Some people are conflict-avoidant and want calm energy. If you come in too strong, you’ll scare them off. Tread lightly and speak with softness.
   
4. Fun: These people tease, play, and joke. Lean into it.

If you can spot what someone values most in a conversation whether it’s information, connection, harmony, or fun – you can then tailor your delivery to match.

That’s how you speak their language (without changing your message) and build instant rapport.

I still remember one of my first professional speaking gigs at a Building Association event in Sydney. I walked on stage wearing a black shirt and black pants, not because I thought it looked sharp, but because I was sweating like I was in a sauna. 🥵

I finished the talk, walked off stage, and the CEO (this very serious-looking gentleman) shook my hand loosely and said, “Vinh… have you done this before?”

Even now, I still get the heebi-jeebies thinking about that moment…

Back then, I had no idea how to calm my nerves and just assumed this kind of fear was part of the deal. But here’s what I know now:

You can absolutely learn to manage your public speaking anxiety!

If you’re wondering how to calm your nerves when presenting, whether it’s a wedding speech, a work presentation, or something even bigger – these five tools changed everything for me;

1. Control Your Body Before It Controls You

Your voice doesn’t tremble on its own. It follows your body. When your hands are shaking, your voice will too.

I’ll prove it to you.

Hold your hand out in front of you. Now squeeze it into a tight fist.

Feel that shake? That’s tension. And tension creates instability.

Here’s how to fix it:
I use something called box breathing. It’s used by Navy SEALs and elite athletes before high-pressure moments.

Try this with me:

• Inhale for 4 counts
  
• Hold your breath for 4 counts
  
• Exhale for 4 counts
  
• Hold for 4 counts
  

Repeat this a few times before you speak in public. It tells your nervous system you’re safe. When your body relaxes, your voice follows.

2. Remember It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

One of the fastest ways to spiral is to make it all about yourself.

• What if I mess up?
• What if they notice I’m nervous?
• What if I forget what to say?
  

Let me be blunt, that mindset is a trap! I used to walk into every talk thinking only about me, and it showed.

Now I ask myself something different:

“How can I serve the people in front of me?”

Shift your focus away from yourself and place it on the audience. When you truly want to help others, fear gives way to purpose.

3. Speak Slower

When you’re nervous, you want to get it over with. So you speed up. But the faster you speak, the more your body panics causing your thoughts to race and you to stumble over your words. 

The fix is simple: Pause. Breathe. Speak slower.

You won’t sound unsure, you’ll sound intentional, deliberate and worth listening to.

Speaking slowly helps you stay calm and makes your message clearer. It’s one of the easiest ways to regain control in the moment.

4. How to Calm Your Nerves Before Presenting

That rush of adrenaline before you speak? Totally normal.

But you’ve got to move your body to manage it. Otherwise, it builds up and creates that jittery, restless feeling that steals your presence.

Here’s what I do to calm down before a presentation:

• 10 push-ups backstage
• A quick walk
• Even just pacing and shaking out the tension
  

You don’t need to go full Rocky Balboa, just burn off enough energy so you don’t feel like a shaken up bottle of Coke right before stepping on stage.

5. Speak in Public More Often (Even When It’s Scary)

The fear of public speaking shrinks every time you face it.

Try starting small. If giving a toast in front of 10 people is too much, start with 3.

At your next dinner with friends, say something like, “Hey, I want to make a toast.”

Now you’re stepping into the role of speaker (albeit just for 30 seconds). Then next time, try doing it standing up. Yes, it might feel awkward, but remember awkwardness is just growth in disguise.

Want to level it up? During your next Zoom meeting, stand while you speak. Tell your team, “Hey, I’ve been sitting all day, mind if I stand while I share this?” Then deliver your piece.

Every time you do this, you’re desensitising yourself to your fear of public speaking. You’re showing your brain there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Key Takeaways

Just remember, to overcome your fear of speaking in public; 

1. Calm your nervous system using the box breathing method, 
2. Focus on the audience, not yourself 
3. Slow your rate of speech 
4. Release some adrenalin by burning off some energy
5. Desensitise yourself through practice 

In this video I’m sharing my top 10 most powerful communication tips!

0:00– Understand your vocal image
3:01 – Your voice is an instrument
4:06 – The 5 vocal foundations of great communication
13:13 – Why you don’t like the sound of your voice
17:30 – If you speak too slow… watch this
23:46 – 3 ways to reduce nerves in public speaking
26:45 – 3 tips to make online presenting more engaging
30:47 – How to be witty and humorous
43:54 – How to develop your communication style
47:23 – How to break out of your mould
51:22 – The simple process to quickly improve your communication

If you struggle with storytelling and want to become a better storyteller, then these 7 secrets I discuss in this workshop I ran for my students will help you!

0:00 – Intro
0:19 – Telling personal stories to clients
2:25 – Playing the characters using dialogue
2:52 – Creating a link to the story
4:42 – Testing the story
6:14 – The importance of playfulness in storytelling
6:46 – Link with “What does this story symbolize?”
7:27 – Don’t just learn… apply!
8:11 – How to make stories memorable and engaging
9:29 – The power of specificity
12:12 – Focus on the peak emotion or action
15:17 – Testing the story
17:28 – Reliving vs reporting the story
18:52 – Focus on the peak lesson

If you want to develop mastery with your communication skills, you must go through these 4 stages.

These are the 4 stages of learning which you can apply to any skill you develop, but in the context of your communication skills, it’s vital that you understand how you progress as you progress through these stages.

Stage 1 is unconscious incompetence where you don’t know what you don’t know when it comes to your communication skills.

Stage 2 is conscious incompetence where you are now aware of what you don’t know after you’ve watched some of my videos

Stage 3 is conscious competence where you’re working on your communication skills and you’re improving your weaknesses and understanding your strengths as a communicator. However you still have to consciously think about what you’re doing.

Stage 4 which most people never reach is the stage of mastery – where you no longer have to think about your communication skills, it’s just second nature the way you speak.

Reaching stage 4 does not happen overnight – but over time through a commitment to mastery and continuous practice.

TIMESTAMPS:

0:00 – The 4 Stages of Communication Skills Mastery
5:00 – How to ACTUALLY Practice Communication Skills
7:24 – The Ultimate Goal With Learning Communication Skills
9:08 – The Definition of Luck